The irony of it all

So Tony Abbott will be Prime Minister, it seems, because the nation hates Labor. Not necessarily because of any of Labor’s policies, or their successes or failure, but because of who they are. Because of what they represent. Because they fought with each other for almost all their six years in power, and couldn’t put their petty squabbles aside in the interests of the nation.

In short, we as a nation are going to go out in droves and vote Labor out of power over a petty squabble between ourselves and Labor.

We are going to condemn Labor for its personality, its failure to sell its policies through an openly hostile mainstream media, and because it doesn’t seem to be led by good honest Aussie blokes, but by politicians.

Wouldn’t you think the nation could put the personal bickering aside for just one moment and focus on the interests of…itself?

Wouldn’t you think that just once since the 2010 election we could have forgotten how much we hated Labor, or Gillard, or Rudd, and just tried to work together for the sake of our own future?

Nope. Not Labor, and not us either.

We hate Labor so much they have already made up our mind to elect an alternative prime minister who hasn’t even released all his policies yet. He’s released some good ones, the vote-winning kind, the ones that spend heaps of our money, but nowhere near enough of the ones that save money. Isn’t that what we’re meant to hate about Labor, the way they spend too much of our money and don’t save enough?

We hate Labor so much that we are willing to have what would be one of the most important and enduring infrastructure updates in the nation’s recent history torn out of the ground, and replaced by another few decades of internet that is about as fast as you can get on a mobile phone in a capital city today, in 2013.

We hate Labor so much we are prepared to dismantle an emissions trading scheme that represents our best, and possibly only, chance to make a serious contribution as a nation to the global fight against climate change. We voted overwhelmingly for this scheme in 2007, we voted for it again in 2010 – though the novelty of the hung parliament and a few slips of the tongue by the then-prime minister made that kind of hard for us to understand – and finally, after several years of hard work by Labor to get it up and running, we are going to get rid of it. Because we hate Labor.

But we have morals, and we take the good with the bad. When we get rid of the ETS we’re also going to hand back the Labor bribes that we were given to compensate for it. We’re not going to stand for Labor’s Robin Hood act of taking money from rich polluters and putting it back in our pockets to help pay for any costs that are passed on. Oh no, we’re going to throw back our compensation payments, slash that income tax-free threshold back down to $6000 and each pay a couple of thousand dollars more tax, because we hate Labor. And if it hurts, it won’t hurt, because that’s just the price of hurting Labor.

We’re not new to this, of course. When Labor tried to put a tax on poker machine profits so that the money spent by problem gamblers could be redirected to serve the best interests of the nation, we rose up as one and condemned them, because we hate them. We did the same when they tried to play Robin Hood again and take money from the richest of the rich miners like Clive Palmer and Gina Rinehart, people who we identify with because they are good Australians and worked hard for their fortunes. We even managed to stop Labor from passing laws to make the media a little more honest with us, in part because we hate them, and in part because Rupert Murdoch is a great Australian bloke, and has done far more for this nation than Kevin Rudd or Julia Gillard will ever do.

And no-one would ever call us inconsistent. We have faith. We don’t listen to facts, or rational argument, or Labor propaganda, because we hate Labor. When Kevin Rudd speaks we turn off the TV, put our fingers in our ears and run outside, because you can never be far enough away from the stench of Labor. When people tell us to take a step back, think about our nation’s future and what we could do to improve it, what an ideal Australia would look like, we stop them right there. We can spot a brainwashed Labor stooge a mile off. This is the Australia we want to live in, and Labor is taking it away from us.

So when we go to the polls on Saturday, we’ll vote Liberal, National, Abbott, Hockey, Palmer, Katter, even Sophie Mirabella. We’ll vote for anyone who hates Labor, because anyone who hates Labor is our friend.

Except the Greens, because they hate jobs.

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